Idle Hands & The Power of Positivity

 I've never really made resolutions for the new year in the past.  There has never been something that I wanted to significantly change.....until this year.  I will not so much call it a new year resolution as much as I would consider it holding myself accountable.

Change is difficult and even recognizing and accepting that something needs to change doesn't come easy.
The last two years have likely been and will be my most challenging.   I have been through the toughest emotional circumstance I could ever imagine, lost four nurses who cared for Maci, and failed two semesters of nursing school.  Instead of giving up, I have kept going.  It's been hard.

My wings had been clipped.  Emotionally, it was devestatingly painful.  How had I worked so hard to fly, only to be grounded.  I had grown comfortable flying.....with everything going "right".  Once back on the ground, I had to learn to stand on my own two feet again.  I had to regain my strength, my confidence.  Then and only then could I reemerge like a phoenix, rise again, renewed and restored, to reattempt to control to secure my goals.  I was flying straight toward the eye of a storm with false confidence.  It was much easier to pretend than to accept that I had grown weak and could no longer carry the burdens that weighed heavily on my shoulders.  Originally thinking that my failure, MADE me a failure, I now know why I was saved from the storm.  I needed to sttrengthen my roots.

While being out of nursing school this last semester, I took classes online.  I had all A's.  I found a bit of the confidence that I had lost.  The last six months have been a wake up call.  I feel like I have found ME again and rediscovered my purpose that I had shamefully began to question.

I have made a couple of (very) minor purchases, for use in my upcoming, last two semesters of nursing school.  Although monetarily small, symbolically they are much greater.  Previously, I would have waited, or DID wait, "to be sure I passed".  This time I WILL PASS.  I WILL PASS both semesters.  I will attend my nursing pinning in December of this year.
I am looking at the future, making this year, one filled with positivity and confidence.  I am committed to utilizing my time wisely where as I had not previously.  I am not sure that it would have made much of a difference before but I have already organized and began planning for unforeseen circumstances and have a contingency plan.  I am going to have to rely heavily on people where before I was resistent to asking for help.  There's no room for pride here anymore.  Instead of desperately asking, "when is MY turn, I mam TAKING MY turn.  IT IS MY TURN.   

My health has suffered.  I take blood pressure medicine now and to have to take that every day is a reminder that what I have been doing is NOT working.  I have been so sedentary for the last six months and have snacked out of boredom.....a lot.  I have never been a thin person but I felt healthy in 2008.  52.5 lbs later, I decided to change my eating habits.  No more consuming 2000 or more calories a day, I had to stop the insanity.  Last week, January 4th, I made the decision to take back my health.  Five days later, I have said goodbye to 7 lbs.  Yes, I know......noticing that amount of loss on me is like trying to find a new dent in a derby car.  It's not gonna happen.  However, I know.  I may not notice yet, but I know.  It's helping to maintain my motivtion.  Typically, I would never publically share that I was attempting to "diet".  I actually do not view it as a diet but a life change for the better.  I have a 5 year old who needs her Momma and will need me for a very long time.  I owe it to myself and to her to be in better health even if it takes baby steps to get there.  Why am I mentioning this now?  Accountability.  Although I am doing this for myself, I would find it quite embarrassing for someone to see me in several months and not notice any change at all.  Is it a good idea to begin a lifestyle change when I am about to begin nursing classes again and have increased stress?  Yes, I think if I am more physically healthy, it will help with emotional health as well.
End goal for the year, successful completion of nursing school and OFF BP meds.  I intend to use this blog to document my betterment, however, without it interfering with my over all progress.

So from this point forward, when my confidence begins to fall short, when negative thoughts try to inhabit my mind, I will say, "NOPE! NOT TODAY!"

See ya on the positive side.