Purpose

 

If you have followed along and read my posts, you will know that I often use a word and its definition. It is partially a reminder of a word’s meaning as well as a discovery of how one simple word means much more than the meaning in which we generally associate it with.

For the last couple of years, I have been struggling with the word PURPOSE. Specifically, what is mine? My life has taken so many twists and turns that I have chronic, ambition vertigo. I find it hard to accept that my sole purpose is to have become Mini Mayhem’s mother and to care for her to the end of my earthly days. Now before you try to come at me sideways, I know this is an important role which I love and do not take lightly. I am responsible for another human who will be solely dependent on me, forever. I believe we have multiple purposes in life. Some are meant to be long term while others are merely short term.

I feel as if I have lost brain power from not utilizing it. I play games on my phone that require thought, memory and concentration, I have started reading more, as well as spend time on the computer teaching myself new things and maintaining MS Office proficiencies. I do some virtual assistant jobs for some friends that compels me to retrieve skills that I had not used in a very long time before beginning work for them. I also managed a rental property they had for a bit for just over a year until the time came for them to sell. This has given me an added sense of value since I am able to also earn a bit of money. Being a mom is extremely rewarding but I cannot avoid thinking that Mom’in and eating a pack of Oreos in a day is my remaining, only, life’s purpose. I feel like my knowledge and experience is being wasted yet I am unable to get a job outside the home, because well, yanno Mom’in, which in turn makes me feel stuck.

I am certainly not unhappy with life; unsettled is a better description. I just desire to do more, to feel as if I am living up to my full potential. It is disheartening to not be able to do that, especially when the want for it never goes away and you’re left feeling unfulfilled in that aspect of life.

Often it is fear that prevents one from changing, from doing something different. Fear of uncertainty, the unfamiliar, fear of failing. To that someone else, I would say forge your own path; make it happen! Be scared and do it anyway. However, for me, it is not a cognitive roadblock but a physical one. Being a full-time caregiver is depleting when you never get time to or for yourself. Having our nurse retire soon and unable to find even a potential replacement is disappointing. I even contacted 4 other agencies with plans to change if they had staff available. One agency never returned my call and two did not have enough employees to cover their current case load and has been unable to recruit new staff. The other agency, I spoke with the owner and sadly, she was in the same situation with staffing. She was very forthcoming, and I sincerely appreciated that since it is so hard to come by these days.

While I am so very happy for our nurse and her retirement, we will miss her SO 👏 VERY 👏MUCH 👏. She is the only adult that I talk to on a consistent basis, and she has become family to us. She has by far been our BEST private duty nurse. 

I know MM is going to miss her tremendously. 😭

Do you feel that everyone has multiple purposes in life?

Do you think that those purposes change, depending on what phase of life you are in?

To my fellow Medical Mamas and Caregivers: 

Do you ever feel stuck and that you aren’t able to live your dreams?

If so, what holds you back?

#letstalkaboutit #navigatingtheignorance