Emotional Resilience

Boy, have I had to increase my emotional resiliency over the years. Do you ever feel that once you get over one dreadful thing, it only makes room for another......or two more? I have had to learn that it is ok to feel emotions, to sometimes be emotional and to not pretend that everything is alright, all of the time. I cry a lot….and I am medicated! 💊🤣

Emotional resilience is not about avoiding your feelings and always having a positive outlook. It's about experiencing those emotions and deciding to keep going.

There is ALWAYS SOMETHING HAPPENING in my life. A-L-W-A-Y-S. I mean, I couldn't make up half of this stuff. Whatever it is, I can almost guarantee that it will:

1) cost money

2) take up a lot of time before it is resolved

3) significantly stress me out

To be frank, it sucks and as I get older, it becomes harder for me to focus on the good. It’s like being on the beach, trying to enjoy the peacefulness and sound of the waves….while a puppy constantly nips at your ankles. Yes, the beach is beautiful but how much can you enjoy it by being tortured by a nippy pup? I do my best to not be consumed by the negative and celebrate small things but it’s not easy and requires a lot of effort, more effort than I have most days.

Unfortunately, I have no outlet. I don't have a hobby. I don't get time off. Yes, I have some "down time”, but I am referring to time to just go do things that I WANT to do. I don't get any time away to recharge. There is no vacationing. There are no trips. There is no going to visit someone because even if there’s a place to stay, there’s not money for gas to get there and back because it needs to be saved for the NEXT BIG BAD THING that happens.

There are invitations for us all to go do things and I do, really appreciate them. It’s just that it becomes me taking care of my child in a different spot. I have to pack up anything and everything she may or may not need, worry if she is going to react negatively to the different sounds and noises in a different environment and wonder how long she is going to tolerate being in her stroller. I cannot easily lift her anymore so I cannot hold her in a chair and simply transfer her back to her stroller. She weighs 77 lbs. I can’t leave her lying somewhere because she will catapult herself onto the floor in a heartbeat once she realizes she can. The times I do hold her, I need help by having her handed to me and taken back and I better not need to get up for a while. For family gatherings, she needs meds so she won’t get over stimulated. Too much going on around her will/can trigger a seizure. I don’t like to medicate her more than necessary because I don’t want her to build a tolerance, require more of the med, or need to change to something else. It’s hard. It’s hard to pass on doing things because you’re considering your child and the impact it can have on her as well as your own emotional health. Sometimes the stress of it all doesn’t outweigh the benefit. 

It’s hard to know it won’t get better, that it won’t become easier. That you have to keep adapting and keep moving, despite of everything else.

My body is wearing out. My new hip is great, but my knees and shoulders are another story. Our nurse is retiring in a couple of months. All last year, I looked for another nurse. Our current nurse was even willing to back down to PT hours in case someone needed FT hours. In 11 months, 1 inquiry and that didn’t work out. There are semiannual reviews by Medicaid to evaluate changes in a patient’s condition. This determines whether they keep nursing services the same, increase/decrease hours or terminate services. I suspect with the review in June, hours will be significantly decreased, or services terminated. The last time I lost nursing services, it took over a year to get them reinstated and it involved people in our state government’s help.

Now don’t get me wrong, I will take care of my girl. Most know that I will dang near risk an orange jumpsuit for her. Yes, you can get almost anything delivered these days, and I do but let’s face it….some things you have to get out and go get. I will inevitably leave something or some thingsssss off my Walmart delivery order that’s needed. Unless I want to spend additional money to meet the $35 minimum delivery and likely pay extra for same day delivery, I have to go pick it up. There always seems like there is something needing done, somewhere to get it, some place I need to “run to really quick”. OH, and let’s not even talk about the lack of outside adult interaction. I already tend to talk someone’s ear off now because of my lack of socialization. I could take Maci with me. However, that involves quite a bit of maneuvering her back and forth and attempts to decrease exposure from the public. Even doctor visits can be physically exhausting for me.

I know things could always be worse. I am often reminded of that when the next shoe drops and things get worse! Yet I also know that someone else always has it worse than me. I am thankful. I do feel blessed in so many ways, yet it does not negate the fact that things are hard. My hard may not be someone else’s hard but when someone experiences difficulties, no one else gets to determine to what degree someone carries their burdens. That is one reason why if someone tells me they are having a difficult time, I don’t compare my difficult to theirs. Their difficult is real to them and how one person may handle something well, another person could become emotionally crippled by it. So, I just listen, and I do not judge. (The only time I judge someone is when they place their kid in a car seat incorrectly.)

So, when someone asks me how I am doing, the above is why it is so much easier to say “good” or “ok”. I'm convincing myself that I am building my emotional resiliency. 😜